The President Says, "Suck It, Bitch!"

Just in case anyone has trouble parsing what the President said in his news conference this morning, I'm here to help with the simplified version that leaves all the confusing bullshit out.

Paraphrasing, the President said this:

The United States will not withdraw forces from Iraq until I'm personally satisfied with the situation there. I'm currently unsatisified, in case any of you scum-sucking zombies who call yourselves reporters are wondering.

From day one, our strategy for victory in Iraq has been simple and consistent: with sufficient willpower and U.S. military force, we can achieve miracles. I really believe that. Unfortunately, we are not as close to winning as I would like. This has not, I repeat, not been a matter of our strategy, you fscknuts. As I keep telling trying to tell you: it's our tactics.

We are now revising our tactics. Our tactics used to be: first democracy, then security will follow (or not, we'll worry about that when it becomes a problem for us politically); and our tactics were obviously flawed. Henceforth, as I have told Prime Minister Al-Maliki, our new tactics will be: first security (by whatever means are most expedient), then democracy will follow (or not, we'll worry about that if it ever becomes a political problem, but let's be honest campers— nobody gives a fsck about democracy for you ungrateful, lazy, hodgie vermin anyway).

So, in closing, Iraq will be pacified sooner or later. I promise you. Either the current Iraqi government will grow a pair and figure out how to do it, or we will depose it and install the second coming of Uday Hussain, to whom we will not have to explain such things.

I will now entertain your bleatings as if you were asking the questions I'm prepared to answer.

You're welcome. I'm here to help.